


Happier

by okjagk



Category: Emmerdale
Genre: Angst, Anxiety, Eventual Fluff, Hurt/Comfort, I promise this will have a happy ending, Jealousy, M/M, Nightmares, Panic Attack, Pining, Pub Quiz, Reunion Fic, Songfic, alex is a plot device, cheating (kinda not really just a little), soooo much pining
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2018-01-03
Updated: 2018-04-17
Packaged: 2019-02-27 16:22:45
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 7
Words: 8,238
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/13252023
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/okjagk/pseuds/okjagk
Summary: 7 times Aaron looked happier with Alex and one time he didn't.Or the Ed Sheeran songfic no one asked for.





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> I wrote this while hammered on new years eve and it is not even remotely edited or proofread or anything really so soz for that but I just couldn't get this idea out of my head.

 

  
_Walking down 29th and Park_  
_I saw you in another's arms_  
_Only a month we've been apart_  
_You look happier_

Robert walked down the streets of Hotten in search of a good café to get himself a hot coffee. He had found himself at a bit of a loose end when he arrived at his nine am meeting only to be told it was actually scheduled for eleven. Robert took the news in stride, allowing himself a few minutes of seething anger, as he is positive he scheduled the meeting for nine, before taking a few deep breathes and telling himself there was no sense getting worked up.

In previous years he would have yelled, made a scene, and demanded his client meet him at that very second. He has chilled out a bit, just as Aaron had said.

He turned the corner at 29th and Park and instantly spotted a quaint storefront boasting “The best cuppa in Yorkshire” halfway down the road. Now that he had a definitive destination he hastened his speed, the desire to once again feel his toes taking over.

The bell over the door tinkled as he stumbled into the small shop, not unlike Bob’s, and Robert felt his body instantly begin to thaw as the heated air hit him.

“Mornin’ Love.” The cheery, round-faced woman behind the counter shouted over to him. Robert made a beeline for her, his need for caffeine reaching an all time high at the sound of her much too happy for 9:15am voice.

“Americano” Robert deadpanned; he had far too little energy for pleasantries, “and some of that there cake” he nodded his head toward a glass pastry stand containing some kind of chocolaty looking sweet thing and his stomach rumbled a bit. He hadn’t eaten in his haste to get to his meeting on time.

“Well you’re in a right grump” the café lady huffed, more in amusement then anger though, Robert noted. He sighed and mumbled a half-hearted thank you as she handed over his coffee and cake. He forked over some notes and told her to keep the change, leaving a generous tip to make up for his unpleasantness.

He turned around to survey the shop for the first time since he had entered. There were plush couches with mismatched pillows, vintage looking chairs displayed around old wooden tables, nothing matched but it all worked. The best part was the front wall directly across from the counter; it was made entirely of floor to ceiling windows. The only things interfering with Robert’s view of the street were a couple signs indicating the hours of operation and the layer of icy frost crystallising along the edges of each pane.

Robert settled into an orange velvet couch, placing his plate on the old suitcase acting as a table in front of him. He brought his Americano to his lips as he gazed out the window onto the street he had just been walking. That’s when he saw them.

Aaron was wrapped in Alex’s arms as they awkwardly stumbled down the sidewalk toward the café. Alex was moving his hands up and down Aaron’s biceps, obviously trying to keep him warm as he was in nothing but a t-shirt and hoodie.

A grumbled “I would never have let him go out without his jacket” slipped out of Robert’s downturned mouth on its own volition.

The new couple made quite a scene as they burst through the café door, a tangle of limbs and cloud of breathy laughter. Neither noticed Robert tucked away in the corner by the window, too caught up in each other. Aaron pulled himself from Alex’s embrace and stood up fully, his smile still lingering. Unshed tears, from his laughter or the cold or maybe both, glistened in his eyes, making them bluer than normal.

“Remind me to bring a jacket next time I stay at yours, wasn’t expecting to have to trek through the arctic for some brekkie” Aaron knocked Alex’s shoulder as they made their way to the counter to order. He was still smiling.

“I offered you mine but you wouldn’t take it!” Alex knocked him back. Robert’s heart ached.

Aaron looked happier than he had in months. He was loose and smiling, his body free of tension, and Robert knew then that Alex really was good for him.

It had been a month nearly to the day that they promised to be mates, but in that moment Robert couldn’t bare to see Aaron this much happier with someone else. So he chugged the last of his coffee, burning the roof of his mouth, and quietly exited the café, leaving the untouched cake behind.

In his haste to leave he missed Aaron’s order.

“Americano please.”


	2. Chapter 2

 

  
_Saw you walk inside a bar_  
_He said something to make you laugh_  
_I saw that both your smiles were twice as wide as ours_  
_Yeah, you look happier, you do_

Of course Robert’s meeting ran over an hour late. Of course this caused him to get stuck in rush hour traffic. Of course Vic called and asked him to stop in town to do the shopping for tomorrow’s tea. Of course he found himself driving past Bar West at half nine. And of fucking course Aaron would be hand in hand with Alex headed toward the entrance.

Robert felt the familiar ache in his chest, the one everyone insisted would heal soon but never seemed to dull. He could see their smiles. Alex said something and Aaron threw his head back in laughter. Robert couldn’t look away. He was stopped at a light and found himself aching for it to turn green while simultaneously hoping it never did. Aaron’s laughter was a rare and beautiful phenomenon and Robert realised he never wanted to miss a single occurrence of it, no matter who instigated it.

Their laughter died down and then they just smiled at each other and Robert can’t remember Aaron ever smiling that big at him. Robert’s breath catches in his throat and he feels a hot tear rush down his cheek. Aaron looks happier with Alex than he ever did with Robert.

The light mercifully turns green just as Aaron and Alex walk inside the bar. Robert speeds off before his heart pulls him from his car and into the bar after them. He promised Aaron they would be mates and he can do that. He can.

If Robert had rolled his window down perhaps he would have heard the strain in Aaron’s laugh. He would have instantly known the conversation was just slightly on the forced side. He would realise that Aaron’s smile was twice as wide because he had to try twice as hard with Alex.

Aaron’s smile had always been effortless around Robert.


	3. Chapter 3

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I was drunk when I wrote this chapter too so don't have high expectations!! But I think I'm mostly pleased with the outcome.

 

  
_Ain't nobody hurt you like I hurt you_  
_But ain't nobody love you like I do_  
_Promise that I will not take it personal, baby_  
_If you're moving on with someone new_

Seb isn’t his. Of course he isn’t. Good things didn’t stay long in Robert Sugden’s life. But this was a special kind of heartbreak; one even Robert hadn’t expected to face. Rebecca had delivered the news so coldly he wonders how she could ever have claimed to love him. But she doesn’t stop there, no she needs to make sure he knows exactly how much he has lost because of her.

“I thought you would leave him. I thought if there were a baby you would finally pick me. So I lied. We never even slept together Robert.” Robert’s world collapses around him. His breath has been pushed out of his lungs as though he had been sucker punched in the gut. That probably would have felt better.

“What… What do you mean we never slept together?” he says the words slowly, deliberately with deep breaths in between to keep himself calm. He needs to understand all the facts before he kicks off.

“Just that. It never happened. I made it up.” She was almost laughing now. Robert felt ill.

“But I remember… I came onto you… We kissed…. Didn’t we?” Robert was struggling, his grip on reality slipping. He did remember flirting with Rebecca, knowing just what to say to get her on side and doing it all because he knew it was what would hurt Aaron the most. But even that bit was blurry and whatever happened after that was nearly completely black. When he had woken to Rebecca naked in his bed he didn’t really need much of an explanation for what had went on.

“Yes we did. Got pretty far too. Then all of a sudden you were pushing me off as if I were garbage. Said it was wrong, that it was a mistake, that you loved Aaron. Then you just went off sobbing like a child. It was pathetic to watch really. Cried yourself to sleep. I realised then that it would take something drastic for you to pick me over him. So I climbed in your bed and waited for you to wake up. I knew you would believe it, even you expect the worst from yourself.” She was fully laughing now but Robert wasn’t paying much attention anymore.

He had never cheated on Aaron. Okay yeah he kissed her, but he had stopped it. They had never slept together; he never got her pregnant. It was too much to take and suddenly he found himself running through Home Farm and out the door and didn’t stop until he was standing outside the Mill.

He could barely breathe, his chest was on fire, and he felt faint, but for the first time in a long time he felt he might have a chance at being happy again. He took a deep breath and knocked.

Of course Alex answered.

“Robert” Alex smiled tightly and opened the door a bit wider, an invitation. The smell of a roast and the sound of Aaron singing as he cooked smacked him in the face and suddenly Robert had no idea what he was doing there.

“Who’s at the door?” Aaron’s voice rang out from inside the house and Alex raised an eyebrow at Robert in a “well are you coming in?” gesture. Robert shook his head no.

“Don’t tell him it was me,” he whispered to Alex, who just nodded, before taking off up the path.

Going there had been a mistake. He and Aaron were finally in a good place, making a real go of being mates. Aaron was happy with Alex. He sees it when he and Aaron are together, at the scrapyard, at the pub grabbing drinks, the few times they’ve had proper hangouts as mates. Aaron is smiling more, he’s lighter, that laughter Robert loves so much making more appearances. Robert can genuinely say he’s never seen Aaron this happy, not even when they were together and things were good. And Robert knows this is down to Alex. So he won’t take it personally, no matter how hard it is. He won’t ruin this.

Robert loves Aaron, knows no one will love him the same way he can. But he also knows no one will hurt him the way Robert does. No one knows how. Robert has a special talent for it. So he decides to leave well enough alone. When he sees Aaron next he’ll let him know about Seb not being his, he deserves to hear it from Robert, but that’s it. He’s not going to mess with Aaron’s emotions, not when it seems he’s finally got them sorted.

What Robert didn’t know was that Aaron had seen him coming from the kitchen window. He didn’t see Aaron’s smile drop the moment Alex said “It was no one, probably some prankster kids ding dong ditching.” Robert would never find out that Aaron asked Alex to leave early that night, feigning illness but in reality just couldn’t face sharing a bed with Alex when his thoughts were filled with Robert. And when the pair met in the pub later in the week (at Aaron’s request) Robert did not realise that Aaron’s smile was nothing to do with Alex and everything to do with the man smiling back at him over his pint glass.


	4. Chapter 4

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Two updates in one day because I'm snowed in and have nothing better to do so enjoy :)

 

  
_'Cause baby you look happier, you do_  
_My friends told me one day I'll feel it too_  
_And until then I'll smile to hide the truth_  
_But I know I was happier with you_

Robert is sat next to Vic in a booth at the pub drinking a pint when they walk in hand in hand. He feels the familiar squeeze on his heart and downs the rest of his drink to hide his grimace. Vic sees it anyway.

“You know one day you’re going to feel it too” she says it softly, trying to be gentle with him, but he doesn’t want to talk about it.

“Feel what?” It isn’t a question and he stands before Vic can even answer, heading towards the bar for a refill.

“Another please Chas” he says with a sigh as she takes his empty glass without a word. It’s an improvement in their relationship if Robert is being honest. Then he turns to look directly at the couple sat next to him as he waits for his drink.

“Alright?” he’s mostly asking Aaron but the question is directed to Alex too and he does his best to put a smile on his face.

“Yeah I’m good… We’re good” Aaron’s smile is extra wide again and Robert feels the ache. It has yet to dull but he’s better at hiding it now. He smiles extra wide right back.

“That’s good, I’m happy you guys are doing well.” And he finds that he’s being genuine as he says it. Chas hands him his fresh pint and he smiles one more time at the pair before turning and heading back to Vic.

He sits with a long-suffering sigh, as if that one small interaction had drained him of all his energy for the week. It probably had. He sips his new drink and avoids his little sister’s eye.

“Rob look at me” she’s using the same gentle voice from before, like she’s trying not to startle a frightened animal, and it makes it all so much harder. Because he knows she’s just trying to help. But if he talks about it, thinks about it too hard, he’s going to break his perfectly constructed mental damn. So he takes one more gulp of his drink and plasters on his too wide smile that he just used on Aaron, and looks up into Victoria’s eyes.

“I’m fine Vic.” If there’s one thing Robert knows how to do it’s lie. “I’m happy for him, he deserves to be with someone who’s good for him, so do I. And we all know that we’re not good for each other. So it’s time to move on. He’s happier with Alex and I’m ready to let him go.” And he wants so much for those words to be true, he really does. So he slips off his wedding ring and places it on the table in front of his stunned sister. He feels naked and his left hand twitches but he resists the urge to take the ring back. He tries to believe Vic when she says he’ll be happy with someone else one day. But he knows in his very soul that he will never be happier than he was with Aaron.

Robert’s back was to Aaron and Alex so he didn’t notice when they took the seats at the table behind him and Vic. He didn’t see Aaron’s entire demeanour change as he overheard Robert’s words. He didn’t hear Aaron’s breathing stop completely as he watched Robert remove his ring. And Robert never saw the tears beginning to well in Aaron’s blue eyes as he quietly excused himself, leaving Alex to finish his meal alone.


	5. Chapter 5

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This chapter is longer than the others and took a lot more time to get right and I'm still not 100% happy with it but it's pretty close to how I wanted it so here ya go :)

 

  
_Sat in the corner of the room_  
_Everything's reminding me of you_  
_Nursing an empty bottle and telling myself you're happier_  
_Aren't you?_

Robert is laid out on the bonnet of a silver Volvo, nursing a nearly empty bottle of tequila. He’d been avoiding whiskey these days. The garage is in total darkness, closed for the night, and the thin wooden walls are doing little to keep the February chill out of Robert’s bones. He doesn’t mind it though, in fact the cold is welcome, it’s keeping his head clear. He doesn’t want to do anything stupid, not today.

It’s his and Aaron’s first wedding anniversary. Or… it would have been.

He spent the whole day pretending he didn’t know, didn’t remember, didn’t realise. But of course he did. How could he not? It consumed him completely and he thought of nothing and no one but Aaron all day. Everywhere he went, every person he saw, every word he heard, was somehow connected to a memory of the happiest time in his life. And fuck it hurt.

The perfectly constructed dam in Robert’s fragile mind came crashing down and everything he had been trying so hard not to feel rushed back to the forefront of his mind and the centre of his heart. And he couldn’t handle it. So he’s allowing himself a moment of weakness.

He goes to the garage for obvious reasons. He indulges in all the things he had been denying himself. He drinks too much, cries his heart out, and thinks as many petty and bitter thoughts about Dr. Alex as his brain can supply. And he doesn’t feel even a little guilty. Not today.

Now that the bottle is almost finished, and his heart is shielded by the alcohol, he allows himself to pull out his ring. He’s been keeping it in his wallet next to Aaron’s since the day in the pub; the one where he made a big show of moving on and letting Aaron go. What a joke. He’s tempted to slip the ring onto his finger, for old times sake or whatever, but he’s almost positive that if he does, he won’t be able to take it off again. So he just looks at it, running his finger over the smooth platinum band as gently as if it were a rose petal.

Suddenly there’s a raucous at the front of the garage, someone opens the door and crouches inside, tripping in the process. Robert shoots straight up in a panic, trying to make out the figure in the pitch darkness. He assumes it will be Cain or Ross, two people he most definitely does not want witnessing him in such a state. They’ll take the mick out of him for months. So he stays perfectly still and silent and prays whoever it is doesn’t turn on the lights. But of course they do and suddenly Robert is squinting at the man stood in front of him, blinking to try to get rid of the black spots caused by the sudden brightness. When he can finally see he almost laughs. Of course. He lies back down and takes another swig from the bottle that miraculously still has some tequila in it.

“What are you doing here?” Robert knows he sounds bitter but he doesn’t have it in him to care. Not today.

“Same as you I reckon.” Aaron doesn’t sound bitter. He sounds broken. Robert sits back up startled by Aaron’s tone but not registering his words.

“Alright?” It was like someone flipped a switch in him, all bitterness gone replaced entirely by concern for the man in front of him.

“Course not.” Aaron comes to sit next to him and reaches for the tequila bottle, emptying the remaining contents into his mouth.

“What’s happened?” Robert’s using his Aaron voice, all gentle and soft. But now Aaron sounds bitter, or maybe just angry. “Are you being intentionally daft?” And Robert doesn’t know how to answer. The alcohol is clouding his mind and thinking is hard so maybe he is being daft but it definitely wasn’t intentional. “What are you on about?” Aaron doesn’t answer, just looks down, peeling the edge of the bottle’s label. “Aaron look at me.” Because he knows that if he can see Aaron’s eyes he’ll be able to work it out. Aaron ignores him again, still playing with the empty bottle, so he reaches out and touches Aaron’s face, pulling it towards him until they are finally eye to eye. Robert sees the tears and he nearly falls apart all over again. He had just assumed Aaron wouldn’t care about today. He had Alex after all, and he was happier now, wasn’t he? But the hurt in Aaron’s eyes was the special kind of hurt only Robert could cause.

“I didn’t think you’d care.” He says the words with no malice; it’s just a statement of fact. He truly did not think Aaron would care about their would be first wedding anniversary. Aaron looks hurt anyway “Of course I care.”

They sit in silence for a while, neither really knowing what to say but also not wanting to leave. Robert is far too aware of the heat coming from Aaron’s body, sat much too close for comfort. He wants so badly to reach out, to touch, but knows he no longer has that right. So he keeps his hands to himself. Aaron doesn’t.

Robert is so blindsided by the shove that it takes him a moment to register that he is no longer sat on a car bonnet and is instead lying on the cold garage floor. He looks up at Aaron who looks almost as shocked as he feels.

“What are you playing at?!” Robert tries to sound angry but hardly manages. “Just tying to lighten the mood! I didn’t even push ya that hard!” Aaron’s full on laughing at him now and it’s music to Robert’s ears. “Well I’m drunk aren’t I?!” Robert makes a big show of pulling himself up from the ground and dusting off his clothes. Then he looks at Aaron, ready to have a good laugh about it, and feels his heart break all over when he finds that Aaron’s laughter has turned to sobs.

“Aaron…” it comes out a strangled whisper and before he can think he’s holding Aaron in his arms for the first time in what feels like centuries.

“I’m sorry, I’m so sorry Aaron.” He doesn’t even know exactly what he’s apologising for. It’s nothing, and everything. All he knows is that Aaron wouldn’t be hurting if it wasn’t for Robert. He would do anything to take that pain away.

When he feels Aaron’s breathing start to even out again he pulls back a bit and rests his forehead against the other man’s.

“I never wanted to hurt you, you know, not really.” He’s using his Aaron voice again. Aaron pulls away from the embrace.

“But you did didn’t ya? You knew exactly what would hurt me the most and you went and did it.” Aaron isn’t having a go, Robert knows that, but he still feels like he needs to defend himself. Aaron doesn’t give him a chance though. “I know I hurt you too Robert but it wasn’t intentional. I didn’t set out to break your heart. I was struggling and I lashed out. You know me; I push people away when I need them the most. But you… you were vicious. You set out to hurt me. You wanted to break my heart. And god did you succeed.” And it’s all too much for Robert. “That’s not true.” He pushes himself up off the car, needing to put as much distance between his heart and Aaron’s words as possible. “Isn’t it? You slept with Rebecca!” Aaron challenges him.

“But I didn’t!”

Maybe it was the alcohol, maybe it was the tears in Aaron’s eye, or maybe he’s just selfish, but he couldn’t stop himself. “I didn’t… I didn’t sleep with her.” His eyes never leave Aaron, he’s squinting, brow furrowed, mouth open in a perfect “O”.

“You what?” It’s barely a whisper but Robert still hears and he knows there’s no going back now. He owes Aaron an explanation.

“I never slept with Rebecca… Well not while we were together anyway.” He sighs and realises he’s still standing. He sits back down next to Aaron and looks him in the eye, feeling suddenly sober. “You already know about Seb not being mine, but there was more to it than just that,” Robert takes a breath, eyes never leaving Aaron’s “Rebecca made it all up. She made me think we slept together because she thought if we did then I would pick her. I was drunk, didn’t remember much the next day, so when I woke up to her in my bed I didn’t even question it.” Aaron’s expression is unreadable but it’s clear he’s waiting for Robert to continue. “When she found out what I had been up to at Home Farm I guess it finally sunk in that I was never going to choose her. So she told me everything. I did come on to her, you should know, I kissed her. But apparently I pushed her off after. Told her it was wrong and that I loved you…” He finally breaks eye contact with Aaron and looks at his hands instead, “I guess I was in a total state over you and cried myself to sleep.” He says it like it’s a joke but it’s anything but.

“Why didn’t you tell me?!” He wasn’t expecting the anger in Aaron’s voice and looks up to see the younger man nearly seething.

“It didn’t matter anymore.”

“Of course it did! Still does!” And he hears it in Aaron’s voice, the need, the want, and he knows what’s coming. So Robert pulls himself together, reigns in his emotions, and patches up the dam in his mind. He needs to be strong if Aaron can’t.

“No. It doesn’t.” The words are cold and harsh because they need to be. “I told you about Seb because you deserved to hear that bit from me. But you’re with Alex now Aaron. You’re happy. Don’t ruin it.” At the sound of Alex’s name Aaron’s entire demeanor changes. “Go be with your boyfriend Aaron.” He’s trying to stay cold but it comes out more soft than he intended. Aaron just nods and goes to stand but Robert grabs his arm before he can. “Wait…” Rob digs in his wallet and pulls out Aaron’s wedding ring. “This is yours. You should get to decide what you do with it.” He passes the ring to Aaron and feels the familiar electricity as their hands brush. Aaron holds the ring in his fingers for a moment, just looking at it, then slips it quickly into the pocket of his hoodie and stands to leave.

He’s almost out the door when Robert yells to him, needing to be certain.

“Aaron! You are happier… Aren’t you?” Aaron stops but doesn’t turn around, just stands there for a moment before facing Robert. He nods and flashes that extra wide smile Robert now associates with Alex.

“Yeah, I am.”

And then Aaron is gone.

He’ll never tell Robert that he tries to throw the ring away when he gets back to the Mill but just can’t. Instead he places it in his bedside drawer and takes it out on nights when Alex isn’t sharing his bed, touching the cold metal and remembering a time when he was happier.


	6. Chapter 6

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry this took forever. I’ve been suffering from writers block bad for the past couple days but was struck with sudden inspiration while i’ve been out today and wrote and posted this from my phone (so soz for the lack of editing and crappy formatting) hope you enjoy!

 

  
_Ain't nobody hurt you like I hurt you_  
_But ain't nobody need you like I do_  
_I know that there's others that deserve you_  
_But my darling, I am still in love with you_

Robert wakes with a start, silent sobs wracking his body and a layer of sweat sticks to his bare skin. It’s been a long time since he had this nightmare, the one where Aaron never makes it out of that sinking car, but it doesn’t hurt any less. He tries to steady his breathing but the fiery panic is still burning in his lungs.

In the past it had always been Aaron to calm him down. He would wipe Robert’s damp face and hold him tight. He can still hear Aaron’s voice, calm and unwavering, in his ear; “I’m here, I’m not going anywhere, I’ll never leave you.”

Alex probably doesn’t get nightmares.

He reaches for the glass of water he knows is on his bedside table and tries to take a drink. His hands are still shaking though and he just spills it down his chest and soaks his sheets. He lets out a sharp gasp as the cold liquid hits his burning skin and suddenly he’s drowning all over again. He tries to breathe but it’s like the air gets lost between his mouth and his lungs and his body’s convulsing in painful shivers. He’s choking on loud, gasping breaths when Victoria comes barrelling into his room. She’s at his side in an instant, one hand on his back the other on his face wiping at the steady stream of tears. But Robert doesn’t even know she’s there. He’s far away now, back in that dirty lake, and Aaron is dying and he can’t do anything to stop it.

Victoria watches as her brother gasps for air and she feels helpless and frightened and she thinks maybe he’s dying. She doesn’t even have to think about who to call before she’s dialling his number and begging him to come save her brother.

He’s there in almost no time, all heavy breaths and watery eyes, and it’s clear he ran the whole way. Under different circumstances Vic would take the mick but right now her brother is in a serious state and she’s just grateful he still cares enough to come when Robert needs him.

Aaron is at Robert’s side instantly, pushing Victoria’s hand from his back and replacing it with his own. He looks into his ex-husband’s eyes and knows instantly where the other man is. He begins to move his hand in circles over Rob’s bare back, scratching lightly with his bitten down fingernails, and begins talking.

“Hey Rob… It’s me, Aaron. I’m here okay, I’m not leaving, I won’t go anywhere. I’m safe, we’re both safe.” The faraway look is still in Robert’s eyes, but the panic seems to dim a bit at Aaron’s soothing words. Aaron thinks back to the first time this happened, that one had been bad too. He moves his hand from Robert’s back and begins carding it through his soft blonde hair instead, rubbing gently at his scalp.

“Rob what’s your favourite colour?” Victoria gives him a questioning look that he ignores, instead focusing on Robert’s reaction. When this first started happening Aaron did loads of research, looking for any tip or trick that could help him help Robert, and one of the things that seemed to help the most was asking questions. Usually Aaron asked Robert about them, their relationship, but that felt wrong to do now so he tries a different approach.

Robert, however, doesn’t respond, he just looks blankly at Aaron, still fighting to breathe, probably near passing out.

“Robert what’s your favourite food?” Still no answer. “What’s my favourite food?” Nothing. He’s desperate now; Robert’s breathing as erratic as ever. “Where did we first kiss?” No response and Aaron gives up. He’s pulling out his phone to search for another tactic when Robert’s hoarse voice croaks out “Layby.” His head shoots up, eyes finding Robert’s, and he finally seems to be registering Aaron’s existence.

“What was the first film we watched together?” Aaron ignores the fact that Vic is in the room, focusing only on Robert.

“Rocky Balboa.” Robert’s body visibly relaxes.

“What did we do for our first real date?”

“Amusement Park” Strangled gasps settle into easy breaths.

“What song did we dance to at our wedding?”

“Make You Feel My Love.” A small sad smile curls at Robert’s lips. “But I thought it wasn’t dancing.” And Aaron knows he’s back.

Robert feels the flames in his lungs extinguish and his mind clear as he comes back to reality fully. The first things he registers are the tears silently slipping down Aaron’s cheeks. He doesn’t think the other man is even aware of them and reaches out to brush them away before he can stop himself. Aaron’s hand lifts to cover his own and his leans forward, pressing their foreheads together.

“Alright?” Aaron’s voice is low and gentle and full of concern.

“Alright.”

They stay in that position, sharing each other’s breaths, for a small eternity. Neither notices Vic leave the room, feeling as though she was intruding on an intimate moment.

Aaron breaks the spell first, standing to get Robert a new glass of water. When he returns he helps Rob drink it, he’s still shaky from the attack. When the glass is empty Robert feels suddenly heavy, like he could sleep for a week. Aaron pushes him back until he’s lying down and then strips the damp sheets off the bed. He collects new ones from the hall closet and tucks them around Robert as he just lies there, too emotionally and physically exhausted to move.

“Try to get some sleep now.” Aaron whispers as he bends to kiss him on the forehead and Robert thinks he will feel that press of lips on his skin for the rest of his life.

Aaron makes a move to leave and Robert feels his chest constrict in panic again at the thought.

“Stay.” He chokes out before he can stop himself. Aaron just looks at him with this horrible expression, part pity, part heartbreak, and part want. Robert finds he has no shame and begins to well and truly beg. “Please Aaron, please, I need you, please stay.” And he’s crying as he says the words and Aaron looks gutted but he can’t stop because if Aaron leaves the fear will return so he just keeps saying please over and over and over. Until Aaron cracks. Of course he does, because it’s Robert and he needs him. He toes off his shoes and removes his jacket but leaves everything else on before climbing into the bed next to Robert and scooping him up in his arms. The feeling of Aaron’s beard scraping across his naked shoulder and the quiet sound of them breathing in sync with each other is enough to lull Robert to sleep instantly. It’s the best night’s sleep either of them has had in over a year.

When Robert wakes Aaron is long gone and he isn’t completely sure the previous night wasn’t a dream. He makes his way to the kitchen for some brekkie and finds Vic there, sitting at the table with a magazine and a brew. She looks up at him when he enters and her eyes soften.

“Alright?” She asks him and he nods as he fills a mug from the kettle.

“Sorry for scaring ya last night.” He kisses her head before taking the seat next to her. “Don’t apologise for being human Rob.” His only response is a small smile as he nicks a piece of toast from her plate. “Wasn’t sure if you would have a go at me for calling Aaron but when I peeked in to check on you earlier he was still here so you can’t be too mad.” She tries to hide her cheeky smile behind her mug but fails miserably.

“Don’t get excited Vic, he only stayed to help me sleep.” He avoids her eye because even though she witnessed almost the whole ordeal it’s still mortifying to talk about. “But you were properly cuddling.” She never could leave well enough alone. “Drop it Vic, please. He was just helping out a mate. He’s with someone else now, someone who actually deserves him.” He’s looking her dead on now, trying to make her see how serious he is being.

“But I think…” And he snaps before she can even finish her sentence.

“I said leave it!” She gives him a stern look for his outburst but then presses on like she didn’t even hear it.

“I think you’re still in love with him.” She stares him dead on as she says it but he looks away as soon as the words are out there. He makes a big deal of buttering his stolen toast and doesn’t say a word for the rest of the morning. Vic doesn’t say anything else, doesn’t need to, because they both know she was right.

Robert doesn’t know that Aaron still has nightmares too. That some nights he wakes gasping on lake water that isn’t there. Robert would never expect that on the nights Aaron’s panicked cries stir a sleeping Alex, the doctor pretends not to hear. Robert doesn’t realise that Aaron needs him just him just as much as he needs Aaron.


	7. Chapter 7

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Wait you mean this fic isn't abandoned???? She's actually updating this story????? Sorry guys, this is so unbelievably long overdue but I have had a lot of things going on in my personal life that I've needed to focus on so writing and blogging and all that stuff kind of got away from me. But I'm doing a lot better now and I'm finally getting back into it!! I promise to get you guys the last chapter as soon as I can and I hope you enjoy this second to last one. At least in my absence we got to enjoy a CANON ROBRON REUNION!!! Bye bye dr dull :-) Let me know what you guys think in the comments and please don't murder me for taking like a year to update <33
> 
> if you guys want to follow me on tumblr I usually post updates there letting you know about when I will be posting new chapters! okjagk.tumblr.com

 

  
_But I guess you look happier, you do_  
_My friends told me one day I’ll feel it too_  
_I could try to smile to hide the truth_  
_But I know I was happier with you_

The chances of Robert, Aaron, and Alex all being in the pub at the same time are pretty high, therefore it’s not unusual when the couple walk in and take the remaining seats at the bar, right next to Robert. What is far less likely, and therefore far more suspicious, is Chas announcing that it is time for a pub quiz the moment the two men settle in with their pints. Robert has 0 intentions of participating and orders another pint from Charity as Chas sets up the microphone and the rest of the punters gather into teams.

“Come on it’ll be a laugh” He overhears Alex whining to Aaron. Robert smirks into his pint at the memory of Aaron using those same words on him at the last pub quiz they attended. “Alright if ya really want to.” Aaron concedes and flashes Alex a tight smile. Then he turns his attention on Robert and says, “Want to be on our team?” and Robert chokes on his beer.

“You what?” He takes the napkins Chas offers him, ignoring her pleased smirk, and wipes at his mouth and damp top. Aaron is smiling this kind of sad, kind of amused little thing when Robert looks back up at him. “I said do you want to be on our team? For the quiz I mean.”

Robert needs an excuse, any excuse to say no. He can’t say he’s leaving; he’s just got his pint. He looks around the pub for anyone else he could team up with and sighs when he realises that 90% of the village hates him and the other 10% occasionally tolerates him. No one wants him on their team. Except Aaron…. And that makes Robert’s heart beat in a funny way which he chooses to ignore.

God must take pity on Robert because Victoria walks in at that very second. “VIC!” He shouts to get her attention, waving her over before turning to Aaron and giving him his most convincing apologetic smile. “Sorry Aaron, I’ve promised to be on a team with Vic.” But Vic is useless as ever. “Team for what?” She asks as she makes her way over to the bar and looks expectantly at the pair of them, her innocent smile makes Robert forgive her before he can even get mad. “Pub quiz.” Aaron answers for him, “Come on you’re on our team.” Aaron moves to get another stool for her, taking the opportunity to whisper in Robert’s ear, “Quit being a muppet, we’re mates yeah?” Rob looks into those blue eyes that he used to call home and simply nods, not trusting his voice when Aaron is close enough to breath in his words. He can do this, it’s just a pub game, all he has to do is slap on a smile and pretend to be alright for an hour. Then he can escape.

40 minutes later the drinks are flowing and the questions are still coming, their team is winning, and Robert is almost enjoying himself. “No chance Aaron, her first single was Tim McGraw!” “Mate you’re wrong it was definitely Love Story!” The question is “What was Taylor Swift’s first single?” and Robert knows that Aaron knows he’s right. Aaron doesn’t know a thing about Taylor Swift and Robert knows too much (something only Aaron is aware of). But the playful banter feels natural and 4 pints each have them forgetting there are other people on their team. “Love Story wasn’t even on her first album!” They write Tim McGraw as their final answer without even consulting Alex or Vic.

There’s a tie between their team and the team with Chas, Paddy, Charity, and Vanessa. They’re going to have the play Rodney’s tiebreaker and suddenly Robert is sober and looking for an escape again. Vic places a reassuring hand on his shoulder and she knows, of course she knows because she’s Vic, and Robert tries to relax his breathing. He orders another pint from Bob, who’s minding the bar so Chas and Charity can play, and hears Aaron do the same. He sips his beer and wipes his sweaty palms on his trousers while tuning out the sound of Chas guessing all of Paddy’s words. The thought of Alex doing that for Aaron makes his stomach turn and he takes another gulp of beer to hide his grimace. Paddy gets 7 points.

It’s their team’s turn now and they decide Aaron should get to describe the words. It makes sense, Aaron is the only one who knows every member of the team well enough, but Robert still wishes they picked Vic like he suggested. Nice, neutral Vic. But Aaron goes up and takes the cards and the timer is flipped and then he looks dead at Robert and says “Our place” and Robert doesn’t even blink before saying “Barn”. They get a point.

Now Robert is feeling a different kind of anxiety, instead of worrying that Alex knows Aaron better than he does, he’s worrying that Alex doesn’t know Aaron at all. They have 7 points, tied with the other team, and the whole pub is silent, tension palpable, as the timer runs down and Alex still hasn’t figured out that the word is Las Vegas. Robert is sitting in silence because he’s gotten 5 of the points and Alex hasn’t gotten any and it’s not his place to know Aaron anymore.

“I’ve always wanted to go here, it’s in America, it’s where Cirque performs! Come on you know this!” He’s looking at Alex intently. Robert can see how desperately he wants proof that the doctor knows him, even just a little. But Alex’s expression is apologetic and he looks like he’s drowning and Aaron looks a little hurt and a little sad and a lot ticked off. He rounds on Robert then with wild eyes and a biting tongue and says, “Where we were meant to get married” and Rob’s heart hurts and he knows he shouldn’t answer but he chokes out a strangled “Las Vegas” just as the timer runs out.

They win but no one wants to celebrate. Alex leaves without a word, silently slipping out the door. Aaron is just staring at Robert, his expression still angry but there’s a softness there too, something only Robert can see, and it’s too much for the older man to take. He pushes his chair back abruptly; the scraping sound it makes is like nails on a chalkboard and draws the attention of everyone in the place. They watch as Robert rushes through the pub and into the men’s toilets, leaving Aaron to choose who he goes after, the boyfriend or the ex-husband. Vic stands too, makes to go after her brother, but Aaron stops her with a hand on her shoulder and goes instead, forgetting about Alex all together.

Robert splashes his face with the water from the running tap and braces himself on the edge of the sink. He’s shaking a bit, his breaths coming in shallow gasps, and his stomach is rolling in a way that makes him think he might be sick. Aaron walks in just as a loud sob rips through him. Aaron’s there in an instant all soothing tone and calming words, rubbing his hands over Robert’s hot skin and it’s too much and not enough and he just shatters.

He flips them around and has Aaron pinned to the wall in a fraction of a second, not quite sure if he’s going to hit him or kiss him. They stand there for a moment, breathing each other in. Aaron's eyes darken and Robert feels the storm brewing and they both know that they’re helpless to what happens next. It’s not clear who makes the first move but all of a sudden they’re kissing and it’s violent and desperate and so hot it burns. A flaming mess of teeth and tongue and hands and painful, aching need. Robert’s lips slot against Aaron’s like they belong there, they  _do_ belong there, and his palms are being scraped by beard and he’s on fire in a way he hasn’t been in months. They kiss for years it feels like and it still isn’t enough. Then it’s over just as quick as it started. Aaron is suddenly miles away on the other side of the room but Robert can still taste the other man’s tongue in his mouth so he knows he didn’t dream it.

“Sorry…” He’s not but he knows he should be so he says it. Aaron just looks at him, as if he’s seeing him for the first time in ages, and suddenly everything makes sense and the world is right on its axel again. Robert watches as his ex-husband takes a hesitant step towards him and feels a seed of hope plant itself deep in his chest. Maybe Aaron feels it too.

But then Marlon bursts through the door and stumbles into a stall in a big hurry. The sound of dry heaving is like a large bucket of ice water dumped right over Robert and Aaron’s fire, extinguishing it completely.

Robert tries to looks back to Aaron, to figure out what could be going on in that gorgeous head, but Aaron refuses to meet his eyes. Before he can even open his mouth to speak Aaron is pushing past him and out the door, to find Alex no doubt, and Robert can physically feel his heart breaking all over again.

Marlon opens the stall and steps out, looking a little green around the gills as well as utterly mortified. “Sorry about that, took a swig of the milk to see if it was still good… it wasn’t.” The chef shudders at the memory then retreats from the toilets almost as hastily as Aaron, leaving Robert by himself with the burn of Aaron’s touch still on his skin and a reopened hole in his chest.

After what feels like an eternity of racing thoughts and shaking bones Robert turns back to the sink and pours some more cold water on his face. He settles his shaking breaths, composing himself just enough to get back home. He manages to get through the pub fairly easily, he waves off Vic's concerned questions and ignores Chas' disapproving glare, making it out the door with little trouble. But as soon as he steps foot outside he sees Aaron sitting next to  _him_  on one of the pub's wooden picnic tables and he's smiling that soft smile, the one Robert used to think was saved just for him. He feels the ache in his chest rip through him with a renewed strength and he drops his gaze immediately. The hope of ever being happy with someone else fades completely from his soul as he stumbles through the front door of Keeper’s just in time to collapse against it before the sobs break free and the tears begin to fall. He never even considers that the smile on Aaron’s beautiful face may not have been meant for Alex.

Just as Robert had suspected, Aaron had run out of the pub to catch up to his boyfriend. He finds Alex sitting on one of the tables out front; he had expected Aaron to chase after him so he hadn’t wanted to wander too far. But when Aaron finally does approach him with an expression that just screams “we need to talk”, it isn’t to apologise like the doctor had expected. No, instead he's being dumped. He half listens to Aaron explain, saying he cares for Alex but he knows he would be happier with someone else. Alex doesn’t need to ask who, he already knows, of course he knows, the whole village knows. But the universe must be feeling particularly cruel today because as soon as the words leave Aaron’s mouth, a door bangs open and the scrapper’s eyes instantly dart to the blonde man in a leather jacket exiting the pub. A small smile, one Alex has come to know as Aaron’s Robert smile, appears on the usually expressionless man’s face, and confirms what Alex already knew to be true. Aaron is so absorbed in Robert he doesn’t even notice Alex walk away from him without so much as a goodbye.


End file.
